Dante Vs Leon
by Eric Draven201
Summary: Dante recieves a strange IM from none other than Leon S. Kennedy. Soon they find themselves throwing cyber blows over who has the better game. Rated for language... and some themes... in fact, if you are under 15, you shouldn't be reading this. ONESHOT.


**AN:** Here we have an actual IM conversation between fellow author, Shadow-of-a-Wolf (he's a good writer… check him out) and myself. We thought it was funny at the time, so we decided to post it. Basically, since we are geeks, we were talking about our favorite videogames. Somehow we took on the personas of Dante and Leon and turned it all into a play argument. By the Way, the Screen names are fictional… can you guess which one of us played either part?

_EDIT: Due to some concerns on my overall diction and certain types of "jokes" that shouldn't evn be there, I have taken the time to comb through this fic to make sure that there will be no other worries or concerns here (except maybe my potty-mouth). _

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Dante vs. Leon

It was a rare, quiet evening at the little run-down shop known as "Devil May Cry." The devil hunter, Dante sat down at his computer, hoping to IM Trish or anyone else from his inner-circle. The latest installment of video game series in which he starred in had wrapped months ago and he wanted to know how his co-stars were doing. Before he could scroll down his Buddy List, a message popped onto his screen. It stated: 'RaccoonResident89 requests to chat with you. What do you wish to do? Accept, Deny, or Block.' He didn't recognize the name, but just for a lark he decided to accept the message.

**RaccoonResident89****: **Oooh, Hunnigan, the things I'm gonna do to you when I get home.

**Devilishsmile201****:** Huh?

**RaccoonResident89****:** Hunnigan?

**Devilishsmile201****: **Ummm. No.

**RaccoonResident89****:** Then who else would use that name?

**Devilishsmile201****:** Dante's the name

**RaccoonResident89****:** Hey… are you that prick from the game series with the demons?

**Devilishsmile201****:** Guess you could say that. Best game in the world! Everything's stylish.

**RaccoonResident89****:** Whatevea! You're a demon!

**Devilishsmile201****:** Wait…. Raccoon as in Raccoon City? Don't tell me you're Leon or some other lame, diseased wanker like Chris?

**RacconResident89****:** Yes, its Leon and let me say that I may have had a form of the T-virus, but at least every chick I meet doesn't try to kill me first

**Devilishsmile201****:** Ooooho low blow... at least folks don't play my game just 2 see me DIE!

**RacconResident89:** I may die but at least I'm not Capcom's guinea pig for weapons, I mean come on, your own weapons have beaten your ass.

**Devilishsmile201****:** T.T

**Devilishsmile201****:** Wesker is the worst plot device ever!

**RacconResident89****:** And I suppose Arkham was any better? Oh my, a crazy guy with a clown fetish… how unique.

**Devilishsmile201****:** What hell's with that merchant?! Scared the shit outta me when I first played... Appears outta friggin' nowhere and then he has a British accent... Weren't u in Spain? Why is there a Brit in your game?

**RacconResident89****:** You want to talk weirder crap… All I have to say chess piece demons for one. Who the hell does that?

**Devilishsmile201****:** ummmm... well... What's up with your hair? The color changes in every game you appear in!

**RacconResident89****:** Oh appearances really, well at least I didn't use to wear a man bra. Yeah, I bet you had fun in mommy's closet!

**Devilishsmile201****:** HEY! Its not a man bra... its a gun holster, speaking of which, you are a terrible shot! It takes you a half hour to aim and you don't hit shit!

**RacconResident89:** Ok, well… riddle me this how do u replace a half demon with some guy who only has a demon hand, oh I know DMC 4!

**Devilishsmile201****:** I wasn't replaced... he's like my apprentice now. At least I don't have that damsel in distress problem! Who's that dumbass you gotta save? Ashley? Didn't I see her before in another game? ... HAUNTING GROUND!

**RacconResident89****:** Well devil boy since u want to bring up characters and other games. How about Lucia and DMC 2 wait that game is under your name at least fans talk about all my games instead of treating it like it never existed.

**RacconResident89****:** Just like the plague, 9/11 and Nicole Richie having a baby, it happened and will forever scar people!

**Devilishsmile201****:** Oh, I know! The first RE had horrible voice acting and U were just a dumbass in all of your games! You bitch and complain that there's so many zombies.. here's an idea, GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE CITY.. then maybe u don't have to worry about things coming after you. its your own damn fault not the writers!

**RacconResident89****:** Well, then you can blame your writers for something too. Take away the guns and demonic stuff and all you have is a guy with daddy issues. The only action you get is from a chick that looks like your mom sounds like a Jerry Springer episode! And the other chick has daddy issues just like you no… wonder they needed a normal relationship in DMC 4 I'm surprised you haven't turned emo!

**Devilishsmile201****:** I leave that one to Vergil and Nero. I gotta keep it sunny for all the fangirls! But then again.. you're already emo! You're surrounded by retards and an Asian chick who won't give you the time of day and then I'm not the pissing and moaning over the loss of a lover! BTW: sorry that Luis got dragged through a tentacle hentai... didn't see that coming, him getting his goodies stolen before you could finish up. At least your poor gay lover died happy. Hey, tell me…. were you the seme or uke?

**RacconResident89****:** Funny stuff… real funny hmm… which one of us needed half naked chicks to sell our games? I saw those Japanese commercials!

**Devilishsmile201****:** Sex sales... Your commercials are just retarded!

**RacconResident89****:** You enjoy body surfing guys!

**Devilishsmile201****:** You body surf Luis… ALL NIGHT!

**RacconResident89****:** At least my weapons didn't take me before I could _take_ them! Yeah I saw the tapes!

**Devilishsmile201****:** Thought I burned those... beats being defiled by diseased, ugly ass villagers.

**RacconResident89****:** You got screwed by a big blue piece of snot with slugs! while ur brother watched and joined end when the bondage started!

**Devilishsmile201:** But you got all fucked up by Ada, Wesker, and tentacles... AND LIKED IT!

**RacconResident89****:** Cerebus! Gotta say after u beat him u enjoyed playing with his three dicks!

**Devilishsmile201****:** Fanboys got me with Nevan... Fangirls need strange pornz too. But what did u say when u played with mine?

**RacconResident89****:** The same thing Lady and Trish said "Holy Shit he really is a man!" and then tried to kill you!

**Devilishsmile201****:** Still doesn't excuse you from liking when I used Lucifer on you... you were set free… XD

**RacconResident89****:** You want to take about being set free? You've been screwed by spiders and demons. Hell, Leviathan screwed you from the inside! Bet that's as close as you are gonna get to a Kirby fantasy.

**Devilishsmile201****:** Kirby... so I'm a sex addict... the only real female action you got that wasn't by force came from an annoying ass blonde chick you should killed the moment you met her.

**RacconResident89****:** At least I kept my stuff strictly video game! You had to make an anime and bring a little girl in you freaking pedo!

**Devilishsmile201****:** A pedophile I am not... How much older than Ashley were you? Let's put it this way... when you were in the 3rd grade she wasn't even born yet.

**RacconResident89****:** Ok… you got me there, but hey at least I don't need to transform to be cooler!

**Devilishsmile201****:** Transformation?! None are needed to be this cool... I can still kick yours or any demon's ass in human form... you, however needed a plague to get u stronger

**RacconResident89:** You killed Viewtiful Joe's career!

**RacconResident89:** And at least I don't look like the love child of Marilyn Manson and Monica Lewinski.

**Devilishsmile201****:** Huh? Wha--? Joe's doing great thank you very much! At least I have been in other series. Monica and Marilyn's love child? Where do you get this shit from? You need some better comebacks… BTW: who killed your career?

**RacconResident89****:** They just haven't found a game great enough for me to feature in

**Devilishsmile201****:** hmmmm... In 13 years?

**RacconResident89****:** Damn you! At least my series got turned into a movie.

**Devilishsmile201****:** As have mine... if fact a new feature length will be released to the U.S. in sometime in 2010

**RacconResident89****:** I hope it turns out like Spiderman 3, a load of crap!

**Devilishsmile201****:** Hey... stop making fun of your movies, Leon.

**RacconResident89****:** You son of a biscuit eating bulldog. At least I'm not pussy whupped by not one, but two women!

**Devilishsmile201****:** Dude, when is that ever a bad thing? I'm sorry but the ladies just love me. Sorry that YOU'RE pussy whipped by 3 dudes.

**RacconResident89****:** Hey there is nothing wrong with some guys just hanging out.

**Devilishsmile201****:** hmmmm? (raises an eyebrow) So you like hanging out with a tentacle monster, a gay Spaniard, and... Wesker?

**RacconResident89****:** Wha . . .ah damn you! Bet you like the fact that it's so easy for Agni and Rudra to give you a blow job.

**Devilishsmile201****:** I was a lil' uneasy about it at first... but they did a nice job... it felt kinda like "icy-hot"

**RacconResident89****:** Ah! the mental images!

**RacconResident89****:** Devil boy is it true you had a threesome which included your brother just to get a weapon?

**Devilishsmile201****:** I was young and stupid (bored and drunk)... and there was Vergil, Alastor, and... Nero-- I think one of them is scarred for life --

**RacconResident89****:** Bet that devil hand felt real good in your ass!

**Devilishsmile201****:** Care to join in?

**RacconResident89****:** Nope, but damn you need to get that sex addict thing in check. You don't see me humping every diseased foreign chick do you?

**Devilishsmile201****:** hmmmm? (raises eyebrow) Ashley, Hunnigan... Ada? Don't remember those diseased chicks? I got a question for you... why do ALWAYS look like you're about to cry?

**RacconResident89****:** If you had to travel with a whiny snobby little girl you'd look the same way. And hey I know you try to be cool all the time but "Lets Rock" seriously your getting too old to say something so lame

**Devilishsmile201****:** Soo I have some lame lines... I just follow the script buddy... At least I don't spend 18 hours babysitting a whiney brat and watch her get kidnapped over, and over and over and over and over and over again.

**RacconResident89****:** We all have our little joys in life.

**Devilishsmile201****:** I see…um... so since we got this all off our chests... wanna make a crossover game?

**RacconResident89****:** Sure you can kill as many of those annoying creepy guys that try to sell me shit as long as I get first dibs on smart mouth big ass demons.

**Devilishsmile201: **wait -- which one?

**RacconResident89****:** Any of them. I get first dibs on pissing them off by being a smartass.

**Devilishsmile201****:** Okay.. but leave the Ashley bitch at home!

**RacconResident89****:** Better yet lets leave her with Agni and Rudra.

**Devilishsmile201****:** Fine by me. I wonder who would die first.

**RacconResident89****:** Hell! Ashley's so annoying that Agni and Rudra would try to kill each other at the same time.

**Devilishsmile201****:** Damn! that still leaves the whiny bitch! Anyways, I think Lady'll take care of her... what do think happened to Patti

**RacconResident89****:** Well, with your devil powers maybe we could take a few zombie heads clean off and bowl use their bodies for pins.

**Devilishsmile201****: **LOLZ… Yay! Zombie bowling. See you in Spain.

**Devilishsmile201 is no longer online.**

**RacconResident89 is away.**

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I know… its real dumb and it has a stupid ending, but like I said…. we were just fooling around. If you take a look through some things that were said, you'll see that some things are true. The leading lady of the game "Haunting Ground" and Ashley are the _same _person! Look it up on Google images or even find "Capcom Friends" on youtube. So… do you like it or hate it? Drop us a line.


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